Poem I just wrote 5 minutes ago.....

You know,
I came to a realization this evening. It always amazes me how the brain can let you have moments of clarity in between moments of, in my case, sadness. Let me explain. And I don't explain because I NEED you to understand me better and where I am coming from, but I would LIKE you to try and the only way you can is if I give you the tools.
I apologized to Murvin tonight for my negativity. I have found myself nit-picking alot lately and I hate that. But its like I couldn't shake it and I didn't know why. Am I going crazy- I've often asked myself... what's 'wrong' with me that I'm so unhappy all the time... maybe I need therapy. Well, the answers to all of these is- yes, at times I feel overwhelmed to the point of craziness; NOTHING is 'wrong' with me in the sense that I am handling my life as best I can for a person who has gone through what I have; and do I need therapy? I think so. Therapy in the sense that I can have someone help me see things from an outside point of view and get better coping skills so I can be the best mom and wife I can be.
See- the 'clarity' that came to me tonight was this: the best way to describe how I feel and what I am going through its as if I have been fighting a war. Murvin was very understanding and patient as I tried to give a good analogy to make clear my point.... When Murvin went to War, he saw things and did things that he never thought he would. Things that changed him and how he looks at the world, other people, and himself. But he was conditioned, as he said, to deal with terrible situations. The nit-picking is actually me being jealous that he can cope so well and I am a mess and constantly cautious. I would be lying if I was to say that seeing countless blood draws, handing him over for procedures, hearing him scream and cry from something almost everyday, tending the wounds, gathering and retaining information from countless doctors and being given statistics and probabilites of what could go wrong and having to listen to them tell me when things did, living day to day with the uncertainty of his health and life in general, keeping records of everything he ate, his weight, his sats, his coloring - all while keeping up a brave face for him and trying to be a good first time mom- and retain the ability to get back up again when you get knocked back by a new issue or problem that comes up....... if I was to tell you that these last 6 months haven't affected me, that would be a lie. I have seen things done to my child and heard information like 'survival rates' about my child that many people never have to hear in a LIFETIME.
Its almost like PTSD. Hear me out. While it is like the PTSD you are probably thinking of- Post Traumatic Stress (which I do believe that I and many parents dealing with similar situations go through at some point)- but I also feel like I've got another form of PTSD. A Parent That Still Dreams. Despite all of what I said up there- I still dream and every morning when my little man gives me kisses and wraps his arms around my neck (and pulls my hair lol) its as if my dream has come true all over again.

So- here is the poem that just came to me. I haven't written in so long, but it was very theraputic and I would love to get feedback.

WHEN I LAY HIM DOWN TO SLEEP
by Ashley Auzenne

When I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my world to keep.
For if my son is lost from me
On planet Mars I might as well be.

When I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep.
For if my son and I should part,
An emptiness as wide as the sky would fill my heart.

When I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my dreams to keep.
For in his sweet face and tiny hands
Lie his mommy and daddy's wishful plans.

When I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my hope to keep.
So easily lost and at times hard to retain
Through hope in the doctors and medicine and surgeries do help us sustain.

When I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my fight to keep.
Though no uniform or weapon be seen
The bond between parent and child let nothing come in between.

When I lay him down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, MY EVERYTHING to keep.
For each new day is better than I've ever known
And please Lord, let me have many more before you take him home.