you probably think i'm crazy but....

For those of you that know me fairly well, you know that I am a worrier. For as long as I can remember I have been a 'mother hen' figure- maybe even sometimes more like the little chicken who thought 'the sky is falling' lol. But being in this hospital room with Parrish has brought out so many emotions and insecurities and a protectiveness that I never knew existed. My parents always told me 'wait until you have kids and you'll understand'. And THEY WERE RIGHT. I don't care how many times we have been in the hospital and Parrish has had to have blood drawn, or an IV redone or an xray or some other kind of test- every single time it effects me the same way as the first. I don't think I can even get 'used' to the idea of him being poked and prodded. And sometimes when I'm having to hold him to have something painful done I wonder to myself 'what kind of mom am I to put him through this?' And then I quickly snap out of that and remind myself that these pokes and prods and tests are saving his life. By all accounts he wouldn't be here- so, yes he may be crying and upset- but at least he is there, in my arms, crying and upset.
Right now we are in our room and I have been trying to bring attention to some readings they are getting on his EKGs that while they arent 'concerned'- they make me concerned because what I am seeing is not ususal for my son. I know they are probably tired of me asking questions and wanting explanations- but I would rather them get annoyed 20 times a day at me then me not speak up and be the advocate for my son and something happen.
We are so close to this next surgery, and I appreciate all of the continued prayers that we have received. I feel somewhat selfish that I have not been able to express my gratitude to each and everyone of you for your words of encouragement, but please know that they do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. This hurdle we are about to face on Tuesday is somewhat like the last... they still have to stop his heart and put him on bypass. But once he comes through this there will be a HUGE sigh of relief and we can start making plans for you all to meet our little miracle.
I read a poem by another 'heart mother' and to sum up went like this:
"an angel asked God why he would send such a special child to this earth since he will have many obstacles to overcome and many people who may not understand. But God said he has loving parents and family waiting for him and I am sending down this special boy because " through him, they will see me'....."
I am not a preachy person and by no means try to play on sympathies, but in looking forward to Tuesday, I hope that you are all inspired by our little boy. God DOES show himself in everday signs and everday I see my sign smiling back at me - I do give thanks to God....